Dating
Remember the old joke about the father who wants to teach his son how to swim? He takes his kid out to the local pool one sunny day. He takes this young and innocent little kid and chucks his ass right out into the deep end of the swimming pool. The father’s confident that his son will learn to swim … or die trying.
Not really so funny. I guess when you think about it it’s not really even a joke at all. But it is a story we’ve almost all heard at one time or another growing up. I guess the lesson (other than some people shouldn‘t have kids) being shown here is that sometimes the best way to figure something out is to just get thrown into the deep end and figure out how to survive along the way.
You know … and hope you don’t die in the process.
Well six months ago I found myself thrown into the deep end of the dating pool. It’s a bit of a story but I would like to tell you a little bit about how I think I learned (at the very least) to keep my head above water.
I guess the only real place to start is at my last failed relationship. No. Wait … for proper context maybe a bit more history is necessary.
Some of you probably know that I used to be married. I met my ex-wife when I was just sixteen years old. I was this dumb kid who stayed out to late going to clubs with my older friends. She was a friend of a friend that I had a crush on for probably no other reason than she was the only pretty girl in the group I hung out with. But when you’re sixteen proximity can be a real turn on.
So eventually the two of us became both young, in love, and (obviously) a little bit stupid. I proposed after we had been dating a for less than a month. We got married after a year and a half engagement and stayed married until I was the ripe old age of twenty five years. I could talk about my ex wife and all the things that went wrong in our marriage for a quite long time. And maybe one day it might be worth doing. But in the end the only thing that mattered, and the truth, was simply this. Neither of us were perfect (though if pressed even she would admit her less so than me) and in the end we didn’t really like each other all that much. The biggest hazard of getting married before you even know who you are is that you can’t know who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with I guess.
So then I found myself twenty five years old and single for the first time since high school. In the interest in keeping the first part of this short I will tell you that being both fat and having low self confidence is a sure way to make sure you remain single. And I managed to be those two things for the next three years or so of my life. I won’t say that this was time wasted though. It was the first time I ever really existed without putting the feelings of others in front of my own on a daily basis. I was able to really figure out who I was and what I wanted from life. I wasn’t happy about being single, but for a time I was content to be alone. And that was a nice feeling. Not being afraid of existing by myself for myself.
But then one morning almost four years later I woke up and really listened to something I had said to lots of people about my failed marriage.
“You know, I really loved being married.“ I would tell my friends. “It just so happened that I didn‘t really like who I was married too.”
I realized that while this had been my go to joke about my life’s biggest failure it wasn’t just some automated response to those who would ask the question. It was the truth. I really did like just about every part of being married. I loved the feeling of being part of a team. Her and I against the world. I loved knowing when I woke up in the morning that the person next to me really cared about me. And knowing that I would always do everything I could to take care of the woman next to me. And being in love, and being loved, and planning a future together. This was all stuff that I wanted back in my life. Things that I decided I didn’t want to continue to not have in my life. It was time to do something about it. Time to stop hiding in the security of contentment and try to go out and be happy again.
Over those single years all of my friends would constantly ask me the same question over and over. “Why are you still single? You’re smart, funny, witty, a good person, yada, yada, yada …”
Well we all knew the real answer. It’s just that the people that cared about me were to kind to ever say it aloud. I was fat. I was so big that any woman I was interested in dating had undoubtedly no interest in dating me. I couldn’t blame them because I knew I was just as vain as the next guy. I didn’t want to settle for anything less than everything I wanted in a woman. And a big part of what I wanted was a woman that I was attracted too. It’s a nice sentiment to claim that looks aren’t important when looking for your soul mate. But the truth is that it’s pretty hard to fall in love with someone who doesn’t “do it” for you physically. And the truth is that I like women who are pretty. And pretty girls don’t normally date fat guys (unless they star in a CBS sitcom). So I knew that as long as I stayed overweight I was destined to remain alone.
So I made the decision to do something about it. And I’m here to tell you that gastric bypass surgery combined with lots of exercise and a lot of hard work can really work wonders. Some of you may have read about this part of my life already. For those of you haven’t; I had the weight loss surgery and lost over one hundred and eighty pounds. And I will be the first to tell you that it’s amazing what losing all that weight will do to boost your self confidence.
In only four months after my initial surgery (and right after an emergency surgery due to complications) I started seeing someone. She had been my best friend for months and almost right away I was sure that I was done looking for the woman I’d spend the rest of my life with. I had convinced myself through sheer force of will that I had found her. But that conviction may have had a lot to do with my ability to have blinders on when it comes to how she felt about me. Without going into too much detail I can tell you it didn’t work out. I was devastated. I guess the truth is that I just figured once I had lost all of the excess weight that the rest of my happily ever after would be simple. That it would all fall into place easily. When we all know in reality relationships don’t work out the way you want them too on a daily basis. And it was the fallout from this relationship that sent me into the strangest world I would ever encounter.
The world of dating.
Suddenly I was single, skinny, and able to attract (or maybe I should say trick) women into going out with me. After twenty nine years I was single and eligible for the first time in my life.
So there I was. Heartbroken after going through the worst break up in my life. Knowing that I needed to give my head and my heart time to heal itself from what I had just been through. And what do I do the very day after the break up? Well my friends, I do the very last thing you should do in this situation, I go out on a date.
My first few dates were a nightmare. Honest to good I can hardly remember some of the things that I said. On each of these dates in the weeks after the break up I couldn’t help talking about the fact that I had just been in a relationship that had ended badly. Though I’m sure this was something I never needed to bother saying. You could see it in my face and in the slump of my shoulders. You could hear it in my defeated voice and in the things I chose to talk about. In the first few weeks I went on a few first dates. Not one of them really went anywhere. In reality I knew almost right away that I wasn’t really dating. I was going out so that I wouldn’t be at home by myself. So that I wouldn’t spend my nights thinking about the girl who broke my heart. So I would be anywhere but alone with my own thoughts.
Of course it was also pretty apparent that dating at this point wasn’t really helping how I felt. What I soon figured out was every bad date (and even the few good ones) just reminded me of what I had just so recently lost. It probably would have been funny had it not been so sad.
I am still friends with a couple of those initial girls I went out with. One of them had dinner with me a month or so back and we talked a little about that first date. She told me that it was obvious I wasn’t ready to be dating. She said that while it was clear I was a nice guy, it was also clear that I had a lot of issues that I needed to work out before I was really ready to be out with a woman.
She was right. But in my experience woman are rarely wrong..
So a month or two go by and the dating continues. And I learned some things about myself and about women in general that I had never known before. The biggest thing being that I don’t really like dating. Now it’s not the dates themselves that are the problem. Like all things there was some good and some bad.
You have to remember that for almost thirty years my only experience with romance and women had been wrapped up in relationships. I never experienced the world of casual dating. I never had to worry about all the things that matter on a first date. I had been on maybe three first dates in my life. I was totally lost.
I’m now convinced that first dates should come with a resume. As a matter of fact I like to ask the women I date if they have a myspace page before we go out. This can be used as an window into the person you’re meeting so that you at least have some idea what to expect when you go out. Why is a resume needed? Well let’s be honest. T\We all know the first date might as well be a job interview.
We dress up for the occasion. Putting careful thought into what we wear, how we smell, even the location of the first date is important in setting the tone. Every word we utter has been checked and cross checked with our guy friends, our female friends, and our own internal systems more times than we‘d ever admit.
We have already thought about what stories to tell. We’ve mapped out the cute story that endears us to you. Maybe something about the puppy we rescued or the kitty we pulled from a tree. We’ve planned out a tale that makes us out to be a bit of a bad boy (but one a woman just knows she can tame). Practiced the wordplay that shows you all of our best qualities all the while downplaying our faults. We’re sure to tell you what good listeners we are and how much we love our mothers. Hell I never answer my cell phone on a date … unless it’s my mother. Because I know as soon as I hang up the phone I can tell you how I always answer the phone when my mother calls. And even though this may be the truth, I’ve only brought it up because I know it might just melt your heart. We know how to skirt the sex issue without ignoring it altogether. A little playful banter to let you know we’re gentlemen but we’d still like to press you up against a nice wall at the end of the evening. We want to make sure we make a good first impression.
I can feel men everywhere cringing as they read this. I’m bound to get lynched for giving away so many trade secrets.
But guy’s are aware that a woman knows if there will be a second date within the first five minutes of the first date. Probably sooner in most cases. We’ve prepared for the first date more than we did for any test in school. More than we have for any job interview. The first date is the big show. We know if we make all the right moves, say all the right things, there’s a fighting chance the night will end with something better than a passing grade or a high paying job … boobies.
Hell, it’s all we can do to not bring references.
And then of course there’s the expense. Now I admit here that I am a bit old fashioned. I am a firm believer that there is no way a woman should ever pay for at least the first three dates. Call me a stick in the mud or out of touch, but I was raised that it was the man who footed the bill for a date. And in return we received the pleasure of that woman’s company. And in with very few exceptions it’s seemed like a fair trade to me.
But having said that I will admit that if you find yourself dating a few times a week your probably eyeing the top ramen at the grocery store at the end of the week. I know to most of the men of the planet this is nothing new. But I was shocked at how fast the money went when dating. I don’t drink. And I can still remember the feeling of shock the first night I went to a trendy downtown bar for a few drinks and got the bill at the end of the night. If I ever open my own business I plan on opening a bar. Those guys must make a killing.
But too be honest the first date jitters and even the expense of a date aren’t really that big of an issue. I’ve learned how to avoid all the first date clichés (try being honest fellas … it’ll do wonders for your chances at a second date) and figured out how to deal with the high cost of dating (date less you big doofus).
So what’s the biggest issue I have with dating? Here‘s a little more candor. It‘s without a doubt … me.
I am still dealing with a lack of confidence when going out with women. I am better than I was in the past. As a matter of fact I would say that I am starting to come into my own, but it’s something I still have to focus on when I am going out.
And of course there’s the issue of what I’m looking for. Of me being too picky.
I remember a few months ago my two roommates and I were sitting around the living room after a big birthday party for one of them and we were talking about a girl I had been talking to that night. The conversation drifted to my dating and my roommate Jenifer said, “Your problem is that when you date you’re looking for a wife. You’re not just looking to date.”
This was the weirdest thing I had ever heard anyone say. Well of course I’m looking for someone I want to get married to. What other point is there to dating? She went on to tell me that some people date just to date. To go out and have fun and enjoy themselves. Not to find someone to settle down with.
Shenanigans. I call shenanigans on that bullshit statement.
And I know what you’re going to say. You’ll claim that there are people (mainly guys) who aren’t looking to settle down. People who just want to date and have fun without looking for someone to commit to.
And I am telling you that that guy or gal would change their tune in half a second the moment they fell in love. Oh I’ll admit that the chance of them falling for someone is slim. But once it takes hold they will jump head first into a relationship. Because you can rationalize all you want, love doesn’t care.
You can tell yourself you aren’t looking to get serious all day long. But as soon as that person crosses your path that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster … well you’ll find your tune changing pretty quick.
So yes. I don’t want to date just for fun. I am looking for the woman of my dreams. I do want everything. And therein lies my downfall.
I am picky. Having been divorced. Having come close to finding someone I thought was perfect. Those things made me realize that if I can’t find the woman that is everything I want in the world than I’d rather be alone. I will not settle. And for that reason I have distanced myself from many woman who were great, but not exactly what I was looking for.
So what do I want? Well I’ve talked about that before. And I could talk about it again until I’m blue in the face. But instead I will say this, I don’t know exactly what it is I’m looking for. But I am damn sure I’ll know it when I see it.
So what about the good parts of dating? I don’t want to make it sound like it’s all bad. In fact I should make it clear that there are a few things I really like about the dating world.
I have gained more self confidence in the time I have spent dating than in years beforehand. Going out and finding both success and failure in dating has given me a strength of character. I no longer live my life with a fear of rejection. And this has really bleed into all facets of my life.
I have made new friends. It hasn’t worked out with every girl I’ve dated. But what’s nice is that I have met a few women that I’ve remained friends with after we figured out that we didn’t work as a couple. I like having female friends. I even had one girl I dated a couple of times introduce me to another girl I went out with. So the benefits are all over the place.
And of course there’s something to be said of the excitement of meeting new people. Of sitting across a table from someone and not knowing what the next day will bring for the both of you. It’s an adventure unlike any other.
So I will continue to date. I will keep putting myself out there every day. I will try to have fun. I will live my life as best as I can.
And one day, if I’m real lucky, I’ll meet that girl that’ll make me want to give up my new found bachelor ways.
I can’t wait … but I guess I’ll muddle through somehow until then …
;)
