"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~ Anatole France

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Edtv (1999)

Reality Show Ideas

I don’t watch reality shows. I mean I have occasionally seen one or two of them. Maybe a snippet here or there when my roommates are watching one or a girl I’m seeing has it on. But I don’t really like them and find most of the ones I’ve seen to be geared towards allowing you to come home after a hard days work and watch other people suffer.

Choosing to spend my free time watching others be put through all manner of humiliation just seems so sadistic to me. I’d rather watch Bruce Willis blow up some bad guys or Tina Fey do … well, I’d watch Tina Fey do just about anything really.

My point is that Reality Television (which isn’t all that real when you think about how often the contestants are steered to fill roles that the producers need filled by the hacks in the editing room) isn’t any good.

But maybe there would be some reality shows you could talk me into watching.

- Live From Hedonism III: Just install hidden cameras in a bunch of hotel rooms, bars, beach cabanas, and pools. And once a week edit together the best bits. Put it on Cinemax or Showtime late at night and watch the ratings go through the roof.

- Save a Reality Star: Take people who have turned being on reality shows into a career and enroll them in a technical college. The “winner” is the one who graduates and gets a real fucking job.

- Alliance: Start with a group of fifty contestants and put them in a barren and unimaginable location (maybe a Strip Club that cares about their employees or a Green Party Campaign Headquarters in Alabama). The contestant that forms the fewest alliances wins the event. Because we all know that alliances never work and you always get stabbed in the back.

- General Electric Presents NBC’s “Product Placement Overload” brought to you by Budweiser - The King of Beers in association with The Gap: Six contestants are moved into a Keller Williams Home where they each are given their own personal product to push. The contestant that manages to get the most air time for their product without ever uttering the name of the product is crowned the winner. The early favorite for winner this season is the nice young girl selected to shill for Victoria’s Secret. Although many in the industry see a real push during sweeps for the shy young girl who received Dove’s All Moisturizing Body Wash as her product.

- Stuck in a Room with Carrot Top: Twelve people in a room with Carrot Top. The last one standing wins ear plugs and an eye mask to help make it stop. The beauty of this concept is each week you can change the “star” to whoever’s available. Clay Aiken, Rosie O’Donnell, the “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy … it can go on forever.

- Blatant Racism: Five minorities and one white guy travel across country in a bus to see who can be the worst stereotype for their race. The winner is awarded a brand new car. Unless it’s the Asian guy, because we all know he’ll just end up wrecking it.

- Whore!: Ten young women live together in Miami Beach and spend their nights out on the prowl for men. The winner is the lady who gets the most confirmed “scores” all the while they talk behind each others backs about how slutty the other girls are.

- Stud!: Same idea as the one above with the only difference that the genders have been reversed. Well that and viewers don’t seem to mind the fact that the guys sleep around more than the women and they’re more likely to help each other “score” with women. Oh, and the ratings aren’t as good.

- America’s Least Talented: Whoever can show up and display the very least amount of talent and still somehow find an audience with mainstream America is the winner. Celebrity Hosts this year are - Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, Artie Lang, and Jewel (but mainly the part of her that writes poetry).

- Let’s Hunt Down & Kill Billy Ray Cyrus: God bless you Bill Hicks. It’s still a brilliant idea who’s time has come. And next season we’ll work on Ryan Seacrest.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

My Best Friend Is a Vampire (1988)

To My Friends

How does that old saying go again? A friend will help you move. But a real friend will help you get rid of the body.

It’s been said recently that I am doing my fair share of dating. (Though I have two points on this: One, I haven’t been dating all that much in the last month or two. And B, with all the dating I didn’t do the first twenty eight years of my life you could say I was just trying to catch up.)

And it was brought to my attention yesterday that all this dating might be affecting some of the relationships I have with my friends. In that I have found myself (in the last few months) prioritizing going out on dates over hanging out with my friends. Leaving some of them to wonder where the heck I’ve gone.

(The answer, by the way, is probably a coffee shop or the downtown Whole Foods. Both great places to have a first date in case you were wondering.)

And it’s possible that doing this has made some of my friends feel like I am somehow putting “Ho’s before Bros” as my homies would put it. And we all know this is normally considered a mortal sin among friends. You never side with your girl over your friends. Word.

Except that sometimes you do. And in my case the reason to do so is actually … well … the reason is my friends.

You see when I first moved to Austin a little over six years ago I was married. I had no friends in town and spent all of my time with my ex. And as time went by I began (as one does) finding people to hang out with. Most of these people were a bit younger than me and were single. I would have my “guys night” with my friends and we would all hang out from time to time. But for the most part I would see them once or twice a week as they went out on their own dates.

As a matter of fact I think I seem to recall a time when a certain red headed roomie of mine disappeared for months without calling me. I guess it must have been right after her divorce was over and she was single in Austin for the first time … that is if I recall correctly (and I know I do).

But then there was a shift in the balance. You see as I started going through a divorce of my own (I can’t believe it’s already been over four years ago) most of my friends started to pair up. Oh it happened slowly at first, but by the time I turned twenty eight almost all of my friends had paired up with someone they could boink on a regular basis (have I ever mentioned my long standing love of the word boink? It‘s gotta be my all time favorite euphemism for sex. Just try saying it. Boink. Such a great word. I should use it more often.).

Bob got married to Stephanie in the woods (see my blog: Complications). Shawn got married in a crap hole city (see the city: Corpus Christi). My brother married Elaine and then started churning out grandkids for my mom. Jen and Wes bought a house together (and eventually allowed me to be their adopted misfit tucked away in my tiny room). John and Becky … well they were always married … but you’re starting to see my point.

It wasn’t long before I found myself the Gleek in a room full of Wonder Twins. A Crocket without a Tubbs. The Lone Ranger with no Tonto in sight. You know what I’m talking about. I had become the perpetual fifth wheel.

And all those years I had been busy being married all my friends had been doing the dating thing. And when I found myself going through a divorce (and to fat to land any rebound dates) they were already honing in on the partners they would eventually end up with.

So now here I am - the one and only single guy amongst a crowd of couples. Just now going through the whole dating adventure while all my friends are already living their happily ever after.

And maybe that’s my fault for getting married too young to someone I wasn’t friends with. If I hadn’t been so stupid as to marry the first girl I ever fell in love with I wouldn’t have to be playing catch up to everyone else in my circle of friends.

But those were the cards that life dealt me. And so now it’s time for me to hang myself in the old meat market. It’s my time to go out and meet new people so that maybe one day I can meet that right new person to spend the rest of my life with. So that one day my best friend and I can go out together with my friends and hers.

And these friends of mine just might have to deal with seeing a little less of me for a while so I can take some chances and live the single life for a time. Or they could always bite the bullet and go out with me downtown every once in a while. Joining me in the singles scene instead of always asking me to join them in couples land.

But to these friends that I love more than anything. To these friends who have always been there for me. I promise I’ll be back soon. And if I play my cards right. If I manage to not fuck it up. Then my old friends will get to meet my awesome new friend. She’ll be the smart, pretty, and funny girl standing next to me. And I can bet you’ll be wondering why she’s slumming with a dork like me.

Oh and in case you forgot - my true and real friends - if it happens to come up, you’ve got my number if that body starts to stink up the trunk. I’ll bring the Hefty bags. You bring the hacksaw.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Strange Days (1995)

New Year’s Eve Jitters

The biggest date night of the year is fast approaching. We all know that Valentine’s Day is just a puppet of the Hallmark Corporation. We know when the importance of having a holiday date really matters. And before I get into it I should clear up a thing or two.

I know dating is supposed to be a fun process and I should stop worrying so much about meeting “the one” and just try to enjoy myself. And I think I have gotten to the point where I’m enjoying going out on dates and meeting new people.

And I can honestly say that a big perk of just dating is that I’m not investing all of myself into a single person before it’s the right time to do so. One of my biggest relationship problems in the past has been how fast I get wrapped up in someone. How quickly the relationship moves. And I know that moving too fast can do real damage to any chance of a relationship working out in the end. It’s nice for a change that having a girl tell me it’s not going to work out doesn’t feel it’s the end of the world.

Although when you date as much as I have recently, those conversations can begin to stack up and that can be a bit daunting. I don’t care how casual things are. It doesn’t matter how secure you are or how much confidence you have in yourself. You have yourself three of those talks in a week or so and it’ll put a cloud over your week.

But I digress.

It’s not just me that worries about the monster holiday date night … right?

There have to be some of you out there who are terrified of being alone on the upcoming New Years Eve? I know that I am. I just don’t know if I can bear the thought of watching the clock turn over into a new year and being all by myself again. It’s been five years since I had someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve. I think that I’ve suffered enough. Don’t you?

I mean I know it’s just another year. In the end it doesn’t have any relevance on what the next fifty two weeks will be like. I know December 31st is really an arbitrary date and that I shouldn’t let it bother me.

But isn’t smooching as the clock strikes twelve the very definition of a hopeful romance? A hope that things will be as good as they are in that moment for the rest of the year. That this kiss could be just the start and the thrill of that kiss might only be the beginning of things to come.

There’s a sort of depressing symbolic meaning when you’re alone on New Year’s Eve. No one’s saying it out loud. At least they aren’t to your face. But everyone sees you alone and gives a silent little prayer that we’re all familiar with.

“Better you than me.”

And besides … we all know … kissing is fun.

I guess I should really start looking for someone pretty quick before they’re all snatched up by lesser men.

Any volunteers? You know how to reach me … ;)

Monday, December 11, 2006

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! (2004)

Dating

Remember the old joke about the father who wants to teach his son how to swim? He takes his kid out to the local pool one sunny day. He takes this young and innocent little kid and chucks his ass right out into the deep end of the swimming pool. The father’s confident that his son will learn to swim … or die trying.

Not really so funny. I guess when you think about it it’s not really even a joke at all. But it is a story we’ve almost all heard at one time or another growing up. I guess the lesson (other than some people shouldn‘t have kids) being shown here is that sometimes the best way to figure something out is to just get thrown into the deep end and figure out how to survive along the way.

You know … and hope you don’t die in the process.

Well six months ago I found myself thrown into the deep end of the dating pool. It’s a bit of a story but I would like to tell you a little bit about how I think I learned (at the very least) to keep my head above water.

I guess the only real place to start is at my last failed relationship. No. Wait … for proper context maybe a bit more history is necessary.

Some of you probably know that I used to be married. I met my ex-wife when I was just sixteen years old. I was this dumb kid who stayed out to late going to clubs with my older friends. She was a friend of a friend that I had a crush on for probably no other reason than she was the only pretty girl in the group I hung out with. But when you’re sixteen proximity can be a real turn on.

So eventually the two of us became both young, in love, and (obviously) a little bit stupid. I proposed after we had been dating a for less than a month. We got married after a year and a half engagement and stayed married until I was the ripe old age of twenty five years. I could talk about my ex wife and all the things that went wrong in our marriage for a quite long time. And maybe one day it might be worth doing. But in the end the only thing that mattered, and the truth, was simply this. Neither of us were perfect (though if pressed even she would admit her less so than me) and in the end we didn’t really like each other all that much. The biggest hazard of getting married before you even know who you are is that you can’t know who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with I guess.

So then I found myself twenty five years old and single for the first time since high school. In the interest in keeping the first part of this short I will tell you that being both fat and having low self confidence is a sure way to make sure you remain single. And I managed to be those two things for the next three years or so of my life. I won’t say that this was time wasted though. It was the first time I ever really existed without putting the feelings of others in front of my own on a daily basis. I was able to really figure out who I was and what I wanted from life. I wasn’t happy about being single, but for a time I was content to be alone. And that was a nice feeling. Not being afraid of existing by myself for myself.

But then one morning almost four years later I woke up and really listened to something I had said to lots of people about my failed marriage.

“You know, I really loved being married.“ I would tell my friends. “It just so happened that I didn‘t really like who I was married too.”

I realized that while this had been my go to joke about my life’s biggest failure it wasn’t just some automated response to those who would ask the question. It was the truth. I really did like just about every part of being married. I loved the feeling of being part of a team. Her and I against the world. I loved knowing when I woke up in the morning that the person next to me really cared about me. And knowing that I would always do everything I could to take care of the woman next to me. And being in love, and being loved, and planning a future together. This was all stuff that I wanted back in my life. Things that I decided I didn’t want to continue to not have in my life. It was time to do something about it. Time to stop hiding in the security of contentment and try to go out and be happy again.

Over those single years all of my friends would constantly ask me the same question over and over. “Why are you still single? You’re smart, funny, witty, a good person, yada, yada, yada …”

Well we all knew the real answer. It’s just that the people that cared about me were to kind to ever say it aloud. I was fat. I was so big that any woman I was interested in dating had undoubtedly no interest in dating me. I couldn’t blame them because I knew I was just as vain as the next guy. I didn’t want to settle for anything less than everything I wanted in a woman. And a big part of what I wanted was a woman that I was attracted too. It’s a nice sentiment to claim that looks aren’t important when looking for your soul mate. But the truth is that it’s pretty hard to fall in love with someone who doesn’t “do it” for you physically. And the truth is that I like women who are pretty. And pretty girls don’t normally date fat guys (unless they star in a CBS sitcom). So I knew that as long as I stayed overweight I was destined to remain alone.

So I made the decision to do something about it. And I’m here to tell you that gastric bypass surgery combined with lots of exercise and a lot of hard work can really work wonders. Some of you may have read about this part of my life already. For those of you haven’t; I had the weight loss surgery and lost over one hundred and eighty pounds. And I will be the first to tell you that it’s amazing what losing all that weight will do to boost your self confidence.

In only four months after my initial surgery (and right after an emergency surgery due to complications) I started seeing someone. She had been my best friend for months and almost right away I was sure that I was done looking for the woman I’d spend the rest of my life with. I had convinced myself through sheer force of will that I had found her. But that conviction may have had a lot to do with my ability to have blinders on when it comes to how she felt about me. Without going into too much detail I can tell you it didn’t work out. I was devastated. I guess the truth is that I just figured once I had lost all of the excess weight that the rest of my happily ever after would be simple. That it would all fall into place easily. When we all know in reality relationships don’t work out the way you want them too on a daily basis. And it was the fallout from this relationship that sent me into the strangest world I would ever encounter.

The world of dating.

Suddenly I was single, skinny, and able to attract (or maybe I should say trick) women into going out with me. After twenty nine years I was single and eligible for the first time in my life.

So there I was. Heartbroken after going through the worst break up in my life. Knowing that I needed to give my head and my heart time to heal itself from what I had just been through. And what do I do the very day after the break up? Well my friends, I do the very last thing you should do in this situation, I go out on a date.

My first few dates were a nightmare. Honest to good I can hardly remember some of the things that I said. On each of these dates in the weeks after the break up I couldn’t help talking about the fact that I had just been in a relationship that had ended badly. Though I’m sure this was something I never needed to bother saying. You could see it in my face and in the slump of my shoulders. You could hear it in my defeated voice and in the things I chose to talk about. In the first few weeks I went on a few first dates. Not one of them really went anywhere. In reality I knew almost right away that I wasn’t really dating. I was going out so that I wouldn’t be at home by myself. So that I wouldn’t spend my nights thinking about the girl who broke my heart. So I would be anywhere but alone with my own thoughts.

Of course it was also pretty apparent that dating at this point wasn’t really helping how I felt. What I soon figured out was every bad date (and even the few good ones) just reminded me of what I had just so recently lost. It probably would have been funny had it not been so sad.

I am still friends with a couple of those initial girls I went out with. One of them had dinner with me a month or so back and we talked a little about that first date. She told me that it was obvious I wasn’t ready to be dating. She said that while it was clear I was a nice guy, it was also clear that I had a lot of issues that I needed to work out before I was really ready to be out with a woman.

She was right. But in my experience woman are rarely wrong..

So a month or two go by and the dating continues. And I learned some things about myself and about women in general that I had never known before. The biggest thing being that I don’t really like dating. Now it’s not the dates themselves that are the problem. Like all things there was some good and some bad.

You have to remember that for almost thirty years my only experience with romance and women had been wrapped up in relationships. I never experienced the world of casual dating. I never had to worry about all the things that matter on a first date. I had been on maybe three first dates in my life. I was totally lost.

I’m now convinced that first dates should come with a resume. As a matter of fact I like to ask the women I date if they have a myspace page before we go out. This can be used as an window into the person you’re meeting so that you at least have some idea what to expect when you go out. Why is a resume needed? Well let’s be honest. T\We all know the first date might as well be a job interview.

We dress up for the occasion. Putting careful thought into what we wear, how we smell, even the location of the first date is important in setting the tone. Every word we utter has been checked and cross checked with our guy friends, our female friends, and our own internal systems more times than we‘d ever admit.

We have already thought about what stories to tell. We’ve mapped out the cute story that endears us to you. Maybe something about the puppy we rescued or the kitty we pulled from a tree. We’ve planned out a tale that makes us out to be a bit of a bad boy (but one a woman just knows she can tame). Practiced the wordplay that shows you all of our best qualities all the while downplaying our faults. We’re sure to tell you what good listeners we are and how much we love our mothers. Hell I never answer my cell phone on a date … unless it’s my mother. Because I know as soon as I hang up the phone I can tell you how I always answer the phone when my mother calls. And even though this may be the truth, I’ve only brought it up because I know it might just melt your heart. We know how to skirt the sex issue without ignoring it altogether. A little playful banter to let you know we’re gentlemen but we’d still like to press you up against a nice wall at the end of the evening. We want to make sure we make a good first impression.

I can feel men everywhere cringing as they read this. I’m bound to get lynched for giving away so many trade secrets.

But guy’s are aware that a woman knows if there will be a second date within the first five minutes of the first date. Probably sooner in most cases. We’ve prepared for the first date more than we did for any test in school. More than we have for any job interview. The first date is the big show. We know if we make all the right moves, say all the right things, there’s a fighting chance the night will end with something better than a passing grade or a high paying job … boobies.

Hell, it’s all we can do to not bring references.

And then of course there’s the expense. Now I admit here that I am a bit old fashioned. I am a firm believer that there is no way a woman should ever pay for at least the first three dates. Call me a stick in the mud or out of touch, but I was raised that it was the man who footed the bill for a date. And in return we received the pleasure of that woman’s company. And in with very few exceptions it’s seemed like a fair trade to me.

But having said that I will admit that if you find yourself dating a few times a week your probably eyeing the top ramen at the grocery store at the end of the week. I know to most of the men of the planet this is nothing new. But I was shocked at how fast the money went when dating. I don’t drink. And I can still remember the feeling of shock the first night I went to a trendy downtown bar for a few drinks and got the bill at the end of the night. If I ever open my own business I plan on opening a bar. Those guys must make a killing.

But too be honest the first date jitters and even the expense of a date aren’t really that big of an issue. I’ve learned how to avoid all the first date clichés (try being honest fellas … it’ll do wonders for your chances at a second date) and figured out how to deal with the high cost of dating (date less you big doofus).

So what’s the biggest issue I have with dating? Here‘s a little more candor. It‘s without a doubt … me.

I am still dealing with a lack of confidence when going out with women. I am better than I was in the past. As a matter of fact I would say that I am starting to come into my own, but it’s something I still have to focus on when I am going out.

And of course there’s the issue of what I’m looking for. Of me being too picky.

I remember a few months ago my two roommates and I were sitting around the living room after a big birthday party for one of them and we were talking about a girl I had been talking to that night. The conversation drifted to my dating and my roommate Jenifer said, “Your problem is that when you date you’re looking for a wife. You’re not just looking to date.”

This was the weirdest thing I had ever heard anyone say. Well of course I’m looking for someone I want to get married to. What other point is there to dating? She went on to tell me that some people date just to date. To go out and have fun and enjoy themselves. Not to find someone to settle down with.

Shenanigans. I call shenanigans on that bullshit statement.

And I know what you’re going to say. You’ll claim that there are people (mainly guys) who aren’t looking to settle down. People who just want to date and have fun without looking for someone to commit to.

And I am telling you that that guy or gal would change their tune in half a second the moment they fell in love. Oh I’ll admit that the chance of them falling for someone is slim. But once it takes hold they will jump head first into a relationship. Because you can rationalize all you want, love doesn’t care.

You can tell yourself you aren’t looking to get serious all day long. But as soon as that person crosses your path that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster … well you’ll find your tune changing pretty quick.

So yes. I don’t want to date just for fun. I am looking for the woman of my dreams. I do want everything. And therein lies my downfall.

I am picky. Having been divorced. Having come close to finding someone I thought was perfect. Those things made me realize that if I can’t find the woman that is everything I want in the world than I’d rather be alone. I will not settle. And for that reason I have distanced myself from many woman who were great, but not exactly what I was looking for.

So what do I want? Well I’ve talked about that before. And I could talk about it again until I’m blue in the face. But instead I will say this, I don’t know exactly what it is I’m looking for. But I am damn sure I’ll know it when I see it.

So what about the good parts of dating? I don’t want to make it sound like it’s all bad. In fact I should make it clear that there are a few things I really like about the dating world.

I have gained more self confidence in the time I have spent dating than in years beforehand. Going out and finding both success and failure in dating has given me a strength of character. I no longer live my life with a fear of rejection. And this has really bleed into all facets of my life.

I have made new friends. It hasn’t worked out with every girl I’ve dated. But what’s nice is that I have met a few women that I’ve remained friends with after we figured out that we didn’t work as a couple. I like having female friends. I even had one girl I dated a couple of times introduce me to another girl I went out with. So the benefits are all over the place.

And of course there’s something to be said of the excitement of meeting new people. Of sitting across a table from someone and not knowing what the next day will bring for the both of you. It’s an adventure unlike any other.

So I will continue to date. I will keep putting myself out there every day. I will try to have fun. I will live my life as best as I can.

And one day, if I’m real lucky, I’ll meet that girl that’ll make me want to give up my new found bachelor ways.

I can’t wait … but I guess I’ll muddle through somehow until then …

;)

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Dream a Little Dream (1989)

I’m Gonna’ Have To Move On

Yesterday I got the closure I desperately needed. For the last six months I have been living my life with one foot firmly planted in the past. I kept trying to hold onto something I guess I never really had. And I’ve realized it’s time to move forward.

But I guess before I move on I need to air out my past.

Last June I was dumped on the day after my birthday. It was without a doubt the worst break up I have ever been through. I was crushed in ways I can never explain. I honestly felt like I couldn’t go on living. Like the air had been sucked from my lungs.

Now all of that may make her sound like an “evil” ex-girlfriend. But that wouldn’t be fair to her because in the end we both know she wasn‘t the bad guy. I’ve never allowed anyone to cast her as the villain of our relationship. Simply because there were no bad guys here. I was deeply in love with her and she simply didn’t feel the same way about me. It didn’t work out the way either of us wanted and there was plenty of blame to go around for what happened between us.

And honestly. Well if I speak honestly, there will always be a part of me that will miss her and regret the life we never got the chance to share.

And for the last six months I’ve known that she was reading my blog from time to time. I’ve known that she occasionally checked in on me to see what was going on in my life. (Just as I have done at her myspace page) And because I suppose I was hedging my bets there was a part of my life I didn’t talk about on this blog or on my myspace page.

I know, it’s hard to imagine there was something I didn’t want to talk about, huh.

Well like I said. It’s time to move on. Set both feet forward and live my life for the future instead of a past that will never be again. Why now? What made me ready to get on with my life?

Not too long ago I met someone. A pretty amazing young girl that I quickly realized I had genuine feelings for. It wasn’t love, but I could (for the first time since my break up) imagine a future where I was happy with someone other than my ex. She made me think it was possible to have a relationship with someone that could be in love with me as well. Something that had seemed impossible to me for so long. I won’t say that it didn’t come as a sort of shock. And I will say that it took a little bit for me to figure out what those feelings meant.

I have no idea if this girl and I will end up together. But I guess that wasn’t really what mattered so much in this case. She allowed me to envision a future with someone who would actually feel as strongly for me as I did for them. A person that I could imagine sharing their life with me.

It was something I often never thought I would feel again. And even though it didn’t work out I know I’ll always be grateful to the girl that made me feel again.

And then yesterday I met with my ex. I had some of her things and she had a few of mine. We met to swap out our stuff and see if we could somehow manage to be friends.

And for myself I will admit I wanted to know if there was any chance we might be able to repair the past. I had been living there for so long I had some crazy dream that there was a chance of reconciliation.

Well things didn’t go as badly as I thought they might. At first we danced a bit around the hurt and heartache. But in the end we said the things that we had to say. And the things I couldn’t bear to say I told her in what may have been our final embrace. I would always care for her. I would always be there for her if she needed me. She would always have a special place in my heart. I felt for a moment like I would never be able to let her go. But then as suddenly as that I knew I could no longer hope for something that we both knew was never coming. And as sad as it made me I knew in my heart it was time to let her go.

I wish nothing but the best for her. I hope she finds happiness. I hope one day she gets whatever it was I couldn’t give her. But it’s time for me to start looking for some happiness of my own.

Some times in life we don’t get the things we think we need. We don’t get the things we pray for at night in the darkness. When we think the world has come to an end and we’re all alone (and our cats).

And maybe that’s for the best. I know I won’t ever see my future if I am wallowing in the misery of my past. So now it’s time for me to dream of something new. Something that doesn’t bring me so much heartache. Something that doesn’t need to be repaired and polished.

A dream of a love shared. A dream of a future together with someone that makes me dizzy. A future we can plan out in the darkness of the night … together.

That’s my new dream. Now I’m moving one foot in the future. I’m looking forward to finding someone to one day share my life with.

And until then? Well I have a date later this week. And maybe another a few days after that. So I guess we’ll just have to see where the day takes us and try to enjoy what happens along the way …

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Love Actually (2003)

I can’t live my life settling for anything less that what I need any longer.

I’ve spent to many hard nights thinking about the one that got away. And not enough time going out and finding the one that makes my heart feel like I think it might just pop out of my chest.

I can’t spend my days hoping for feelings that aren’t there from someone who‘s never going to give them to me. Because I know our lives are too short. Those lonely nights are far too long. And I know my heart’s been too empty all this time for anything less to suffice.

So this time I’m going to take my time. I’ll make sure that the hurt is through before I say those three little words. Those all powerful words that have healed and hurt and filled us all with so much of what makes life full.

I know I’m going to have to be more selective this time. Not give my feelings so quickly this time. I know I’m yet again rediscovering what it means to be in love. I know I need to explore what love even means to me this time.

So what is it that I want from love? We all want it, but what does that mean? What’s it that love gives us that makes us drunk with passion? What is it about love that feeds our souls? What is it we need from the love of another to survive?

Well I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what my heart needs over the last six months. I’ve really wondered what it means to be loved unconditionally. To be loved in a way that means more than those final scenes in your favorite love story. The happily ever after shouldn’t be a fairytale. What does it mean to have a love that lasts the hardships of a real relationship.

And I know a little more now than I did yesterday. And I’ll know more one tomorrow when love comes back into my life again. One day ... someday.

I know I want someone who thinks about me as often as I think about them. I know I need someone who knows how to live without me, but wouldn’t ever want to have to try it.

I need a love that understands that sometimes I just can’t help but try and fix it.

I need someone who likes me just the way I am. A love that thinks my imperfections are as endearing as the ones that make me feel closer to them. Someone who doesn’t ask me to change who I am because that’s who they fell in love with. A love that compels me everyday to try and be a better person for her and for myself.

I want someone who makes me feel like there’s no one else in the world for me. When they aren’t around I can’t help but scan the crowd for her. And when they walk into a room everything else just fades from my sight.

I want my best night of the week to be the one I sprawled across the couch watching the Tivo and doing nothing … with you.

I want a love that knows I have doubts from time to times and knows just what to say to make me forget all about them.

I want a love that doesn’t care what kind of car I drive as long as I’m driving to them.

I need a love that wakes me up in a cold sweat when I have a nightmare that it’s gone, and puts me safely back to sleep when I see her lying next to me in our bed.

I want a love that knows I’m respecting her when I open every door for her for the rest of her life.

I want a love that knows why Tuesday is my favorite day of the week.

I want a love that sings with me in the car even if she doesn’t know all the words. A love that smiles at me even when I can’t see her watching.

And when she closes her eyes and thinks of her perfect wedding day she can only see me standing beside her.

I want a love that needs a “girls night out” but can’t wait to come home and tell me all about it.

I want a love that would rather have my two left feet on the dance floor with her than anyone else.

You know the kind of love that keeps you up wondering how your dumb ass got so lucky. That keeps you awake some nights with just the anticipation of seeing her again.

I want a love that makes me plug in my phone so I can keep talking to her late into the night when we can‘t be near each other.

I deserve a love like that. We all do. We should settle for nothing less than the greatest love affair in our lives. We should hold onto that person that makes us know that there aren’t words enough to explain what we’re feeling in our hearts when we’re in love.

I need a love that falls for me every day. The kind of love that makes me fall for her every time I see her face. The kind of love I want to grow old with. The kind of love I can’t wait to plan every tomorrow to come with.

I know it’s out there. For all of us.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Jerk (1979)

Random Thoughts Part One

Some people have said that “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” and I think it’s total malarkey. I eat for free all the time. You just have to know when it’s time to leave.

I find it so strange that something I do can have such different reactions from different people. How the exact same thing can turn someone’s stomach and cause another person to admire me. So maybe the answer is to be true to yourself and those who can’t take it should move on.

Of course being yourself is far too often a tricky thing to be. I’m inclined to change my mind from time to time and it may often seem like I’m never consistent. Except of course that I’m always consistent about how I feel at the time.

Daniel Craig was a better Bond in Casino Royale than any other actor has ever played the role in any other movie. And yes I’m including Sean Connery in that list. And I don’t care if you think it’s blasphemous to say so, it still doesn’t make it any less true.

Yes. I used the word malarkey. Yes, I may use it again. And no … I’m not from the nineteen fifties.

I like football but I don’t really LIKE football. I have never sat down to watch a game by myself. I’d rather go shopping or to a movie to be honest. And I don’t think that makes me any less macho or manly. Maybe it just means I don’t want to watch a bunch of dudes in skintight pants run around with a ball for three hours.

Cover songs can be a tricky thing. It’s odd how some bands can somehow manage to capture the heart of what makes a song great while other (often equally talented bands) can strip a song of it’s life and leave it dieing on the studio floor. Radiohead’s cover of “Wish You Were Here” is an example of a great cover tune. U2’s “Helter Skelter” is an example of a not so great cover tune.

Wouldn’t life sometimes be so much simpler if we didn’t know that feeling called love? Probably. But I doubt it’d be a life anyone thought much of.

Speaking of love. After talking to a pretty cool person tonight I was left thinking about how love can change. How it’s so fickle that sometimes the feeling can change with even the smallest of changes. And so often you can change everything in your life and it will still be exactly as it was when you return.

In the last year I’ve had something like nine or ten people tell me I look like Clark Kent. Including a little girl who turned bright red when she figured out I had overheard her. It’s weird. Does that mean I look like one of the actors who played the character? Does it just mean I have dark hair and glasses? Maybe I should start wearing a superman shirt under my dress shirts … you know, just in case.

When I die I want my service to be concluded with the song “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog. It just somehow seems appropriate.

The new Ikea store here in town is big. Not big like a mall. More like - big like Paris Hilton’s sense of entitlement or Britney Spear’s false sense of modesty. You know … incalculably big and bordering on the infinite.

It is said that nothing heals a wound like time. Well this may be true but I can tell you that time, however, does not heal all wounds.

The truth is that while I long for change in my life I find that trying to change anything big these days scares the hell out of me. I feel like I’m waiting for something, but I don’t know what.

I don’t love lamp. I hate that son of a bitch.

How is it that Tracy Morgan is so damn funny on 30 Rock, and somehow managed to be completely unfunny in his own show?

“All you need is love.” - John Lennon

“… and this Thermos.” - Steve Martin (in The Jerk)