Dream a Little Dream (1989)

I’m Gonna’ Have To Move On

Yesterday I got the closure I desperately needed. For the last six months I have been living my life with one foot firmly planted in the past. I kept trying to hold onto something I guess I never really had. And I’ve realized it’s time to move forward.

But I guess before I move on I need to air out my past.

Last June I was dumped on the day after my birthday. It was without a doubt the worst break up I have ever been through. I was crushed in ways I can never explain. I honestly felt like I couldn’t go on living. Like the air had been sucked from my lungs.

Now all of that may make her sound like an “evil” ex-girlfriend. But that wouldn’t be fair to her because in the end we both know she wasn‘t the bad guy. I’ve never allowed anyone to cast her as the villain of our relationship. Simply because there were no bad guys here. I was deeply in love with her and she simply didn’t feel the same way about me. It didn’t work out the way either of us wanted and there was plenty of blame to go around for what happened between us.

And honestly. Well if I speak honestly, there will always be a part of me that will miss her and regret the life we never got the chance to share.

And for the last six months I’ve known that she was reading my blog from time to time. I’ve known that she occasionally checked in on me to see what was going on in my life. (Just as I have done at her myspace page) And because I suppose I was hedging my bets there was a part of my life I didn’t talk about on this blog or on my myspace page.

I know, it’s hard to imagine there was something I didn’t want to talk about, huh.

Well like I said. It’s time to move on. Set both feet forward and live my life for the future instead of a past that will never be again. Why now? What made me ready to get on with my life?

Not too long ago I met someone. A pretty amazing young girl that I quickly realized I had genuine feelings for. It wasn’t love, but I could (for the first time since my break up) imagine a future where I was happy with someone other than my ex. She made me think it was possible to have a relationship with someone that could be in love with me as well. Something that had seemed impossible to me for so long. I won’t say that it didn’t come as a sort of shock. And I will say that it took a little bit for me to figure out what those feelings meant.

I have no idea if this girl and I will end up together. But I guess that wasn’t really what mattered so much in this case. She allowed me to envision a future with someone who would actually feel as strongly for me as I did for them. A person that I could imagine sharing their life with me.

It was something I often never thought I would feel again. And even though it didn’t work out I know I’ll always be grateful to the girl that made me feel again.

And then yesterday I met with my ex. I had some of her things and she had a few of mine. We met to swap out our stuff and see if we could somehow manage to be friends.

And for myself I will admit I wanted to know if there was any chance we might be able to repair the past. I had been living there for so long I had some crazy dream that there was a chance of reconciliation.

Well things didn’t go as badly as I thought they might. At first we danced a bit around the hurt and heartache. But in the end we said the things that we had to say. And the things I couldn’t bear to say I told her in what may have been our final embrace. I would always care for her. I would always be there for her if she needed me. She would always have a special place in my heart. I felt for a moment like I would never be able to let her go. But then as suddenly as that I knew I could no longer hope for something that we both knew was never coming. And as sad as it made me I knew in my heart it was time to let her go.

I wish nothing but the best for her. I hope she finds happiness. I hope one day she gets whatever it was I couldn’t give her. But it’s time for me to start looking for some happiness of my own.

Some times in life we don’t get the things we think we need. We don’t get the things we pray for at night in the darkness. When we think the world has come to an end and we’re all alone (and our cats).

And maybe that’s for the best. I know I won’t ever see my future if I am wallowing in the misery of my past. So now it’s time for me to dream of something new. Something that doesn’t bring me so much heartache. Something that doesn’t need to be repaired and polished.

A dream of a love shared. A dream of a future together with someone that makes me dizzy. A future we can plan out in the darkness of the night … together.

That’s my new dream. Now I’m moving one foot in the future. I’m looking forward to finding someone to one day share my life with.

And until then? Well I have a date later this week. And maybe another a few days after that. So I guess we’ll just have to see where the day takes us and try to enjoy what happens along the way …