What the #$*! Do We Know!? (2004)

I don’t know why time seems to hate me. When I need it I never seem to have enough and when I don’t I end up with an abundance of it on my hands.

I know what hurts more than anything else in the world. I know the pain that never goes away.

I know that no matter how hard I try I will never have a matching amount of cheese to go with my crackers.

I know what true loss feels like.

I know exactly what I want.

I have no idea what I need.

I know I may be completely wrong about those last two things.

I don’t know why I am so lonely. I have friends and family that care about me. I have a life that might actually be starting to come together. I have pets that make me happy. I even have a social life that would put Paris Hilton to shame (and how sad for me that she’s the first person with a social life I could think of). But I still feel (more often that not) like I am alone is a sea of people. Not all the time of course, but this feeling seems so strange to me. I am out more now than I have ever been in my life. Having a good time with all my friends. Where as a year ago it would have been pulling teeth to get me out of the house on a weekday. These days I have to schedule time at the house to do the laundry and pay my bills. But I know that I feel more alone now than I ever have before.

I know that; "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering — and it's all over much too soon." A man named Woody Allen told me so.

I know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

I don’t know who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.

I know that most of the people I know need to take themselves much less seriously. Life is too short to get hung up on the meaningless little crap.

I know this means me too.

I don’t know if I will ever love like that again.

I know I want to.

I don’t know if I am the same person I was before I lost all that weight. I worry every day that I might turn into the kind of guy that I have always loathed. That I will become that dunderheaded Neanderthal that has relied too much on his outer appearance and that I’ll forget what it was that people used to like about me in the first place. I hope I have kept the same personality and that I haven’t let my “looks” go to my head. But deep down I am afraid that I may not like whom I am turning into.

I don’t know if I am good looking or not. But I know strangers are a whole lot nicer to me than they used to be.

I know I’m the kind of jackass who would try to get away with wishing for more wishes.

I don’t know why people like Carrot Top, Reality Television, Teen Horror Movies, The Wayans Brothers, Fox News, Hot Tea, Jeff Foxworthy, Text Messaging, “Porn for Couples”, The Moral Majority, Wireless Hot Spots, The U.N., Getting Your Ride “Pimped”, Danny Gans, The Red States, The Blue States, Talk Show Hosts. Oh, and Hugh Jackman (hope the Scrubs fans get that last one).

I know more about women than most men I know.

I don’t know anything about women.

I don’t know what happens next. But for the first time in a long time I am thinking it might be something good.