The Anniversary Party (2001)

November 15 - One Year Later

One year ago my life changed forever.

It’s hard to believe that there are people who know me now that couldn’t even imagine the person I used to be. I go through life these days a changed man. I sometimes find myself staring at my reflection wondering who I’m looking at. Am I still the fun loving “Hurley” I’ve been my whole life or am I closer to the “Sawyer” I now more closely resemble? And more importantly, if you don’t watch Lost … did that last analogy make any sense at all?

It’s only been twelve months since I closed my eyes knowing that there was a chance that I may never open them again. The risk of an operation outweighed (nice turn of phrase I know) by the fear of having a heart attack before I turn thirty five. The thought of being alone forever (because no one could see me for who I was - only for what I looked like) strengthened my resolve to go under the knife.

Fifty two weeks ago I had gastric bypass surgery. In those three hundred and sixty five days I have lost over 185 pounds and I can honestly say that it’s changed my life both for better and for worse.

I’m healthy. A month ago I had a full physical and I’m happy to report that every single result came back positively. Low cholesterol, good resting heart rate, all my blood work is normal, and I’m almost exactly where I should be weight wise. I can run, swim, bike, and do weight lifting with no real problems. Physically I am doing very well indeed.

The down side? Well let’s just say that spending the first twenty eight years of your life being almost ignored by women has done a number on my psyche. There’s no handbook for the kind of emotional changes I’ve been through. I go back and forth from day to day about how I feel about the attention I am now getting. I am now comfortable enough with my looks to acknowledge that I am a decent looking guy. I know I’ll never be a Brad Pitt … but I also know I’ll never have to worry about being mistaken for Brad Garrett. In the abstract - being considered a good looking guy is something I’ve always dreamed about. But the reality - she can be a much harsher mistress.

I’ve noticed that it’s both men and women that treat me differently. Sometimes it’s just a matter of being a little more polite on the elevator. Or the cashier being a little more chatty while waiting in line at the store. Passers by eye contact lingers a bit more and often times now there’s a smile to go along with it. Store clerks ask me if I need help more often. It’s these little day to day things that seem to have changed the most.

In the last few months I have done my best to live my life honestly. I strive every day to be truthful with myself and with those I interact with. This strange “life as an honest male” can be a more painful way to live your life. Whoever said “the truth hurts” knew what they were talking about.

But living my life without the little white lies to cloud things has made my life overall less complicated.

With that in mind - you might be wondering about the big changes I’ve gone through in the last year. Maybe you’re curious to know how I’m different than I was before I lost all the weight?

Well here’s a little uncomfortable truth:

I am more aware of my vanity. I find myself looking at my reflection more often than I used to when I was fat. Checking my hair. Seeing how my belt matches my shoes. Asking my roommate if this jacket or that one looks better with my shirt. Taking extra time to get ready before going out when there’s any chance I might need to look my best.

At first I think I’d justify looking a little longer in the mirror because of the dramatic changes that were occurring to my body from week to week. I think these days I just want to make sure I look my best. Almost like now that I do look better that it’s important for me to try to look better. I find myself shopping for clothes at department stores or the mall instead of my (formerly) normal Target or (more often) Big & Tall store. Not just for clothes but for clothes that will make me look better.

I’m not proud of the vanity I seem to have developed and I worry a lot that I have become the kind of guy I used to really hate. That jock’ey, Abercrombie & Fitch, frat guy type who thinks he’s gods gift to women. I hate that guy and it scares me that I look more like him than I used too.

There have been more pictures taken of me in the last year than in all of the years before I had my operation. The reason is simple. I’m not ashamed of the way I look anymore. A picture is no longer a painful reminder of how out of control my weight had gotten.

What’s the other big change? Well without a doubt it’s how women treat me now. Let’s see if I can just put this as bluntly as possible.

There were a total of four women who ever expressed any interest in me as more than a friend in the twenty eight years of my life before I had weight loss surgery. And that number includes my ex-wife. I don’t want to (and won’t) go into too much detail here … but in the last year that number has risen to a level I never thought possible.

I had a girlfriend within four months (and that would be around eighty pounds less Rod) of my operation. I was twenty nine years-old the first time a woman ever approached me at a bar and flirted with me.

This newfound attention from the opposite sex (and to be honest from gay males anytime I am near the warehouse district) has not been all I thought it would be. I walk a fine line. Knowing that I should be happy women are attracted to me and trying hard to not resent them for just now noticing me. I understand the reasons. I know that the way I looked before made me a different person. It’s just that only my physical appearance has changed. I still feel like the same guy who was ignored by women for years. I haven’t completely figured out how to make those two realities mesh quite yet.

So one year later and the life I have now would be unrecognizable to the person I used to be. I am healthier now than I was then. I don’t worry about not seeing my niece and nephew grow up anymore. I don’t fear falling over of a heart attack at thirty four anymore.

But am I a happier person now? Yes my life is different. But is it better?

Honest answer. Some days I know the answers to those questions. Some days I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out.

Today? Today I’m happy I can see my feet without using a mirror. I like that the waist on my jeans are ten sizes lower than they were a year ago. Today I am healthy and happy and looking forward to the rest of my life. And maybe (just for) today I might be alone but I’m not completely lonely.

Not completely …