My Best Friend Is a Vampire (1988)

To My Friends

How does that old saying go again? A friend will help you move. But a real friend will help you get rid of the body.

It’s been said recently that I am doing my fair share of dating. (Though I have two points on this: One, I haven’t been dating all that much in the last month or two. And B, with all the dating I didn’t do the first twenty eight years of my life you could say I was just trying to catch up.)

And it was brought to my attention yesterday that all this dating might be affecting some of the relationships I have with my friends. In that I have found myself (in the last few months) prioritizing going out on dates over hanging out with my friends. Leaving some of them to wonder where the heck I’ve gone.

(The answer, by the way, is probably a coffee shop or the downtown Whole Foods. Both great places to have a first date in case you were wondering.)

And it’s possible that doing this has made some of my friends feel like I am somehow putting “Ho’s before Bros” as my homies would put it. And we all know this is normally considered a mortal sin among friends. You never side with your girl over your friends. Word.

Except that sometimes you do. And in my case the reason to do so is actually … well … the reason is my friends.

You see when I first moved to Austin a little over six years ago I was married. I had no friends in town and spent all of my time with my ex. And as time went by I began (as one does) finding people to hang out with. Most of these people were a bit younger than me and were single. I would have my “guys night” with my friends and we would all hang out from time to time. But for the most part I would see them once or twice a week as they went out on their own dates.

As a matter of fact I think I seem to recall a time when a certain red headed roomie of mine disappeared for months without calling me. I guess it must have been right after her divorce was over and she was single in Austin for the first time … that is if I recall correctly (and I know I do).

But then there was a shift in the balance. You see as I started going through a divorce of my own (I can’t believe it’s already been over four years ago) most of my friends started to pair up. Oh it happened slowly at first, but by the time I turned twenty eight almost all of my friends had paired up with someone they could boink on a regular basis (have I ever mentioned my long standing love of the word boink? It‘s gotta be my all time favorite euphemism for sex. Just try saying it. Boink. Such a great word. I should use it more often.).

Bob got married to Stephanie in the woods (see my blog: Complications). Shawn got married in a crap hole city (see the city: Corpus Christi). My brother married Elaine and then started churning out grandkids for my mom. Jen and Wes bought a house together (and eventually allowed me to be their adopted misfit tucked away in my tiny room). John and Becky … well they were always married … but you’re starting to see my point.

It wasn’t long before I found myself the Gleek in a room full of Wonder Twins. A Crocket without a Tubbs. The Lone Ranger with no Tonto in sight. You know what I’m talking about. I had become the perpetual fifth wheel.

And all those years I had been busy being married all my friends had been doing the dating thing. And when I found myself going through a divorce (and to fat to land any rebound dates) they were already honing in on the partners they would eventually end up with.

So now here I am - the one and only single guy amongst a crowd of couples. Just now going through the whole dating adventure while all my friends are already living their happily ever after.

And maybe that’s my fault for getting married too young to someone I wasn’t friends with. If I hadn’t been so stupid as to marry the first girl I ever fell in love with I wouldn’t have to be playing catch up to everyone else in my circle of friends.

But those were the cards that life dealt me. And so now it’s time for me to hang myself in the old meat market. It’s my time to go out and meet new people so that maybe one day I can meet that right new person to spend the rest of my life with. So that one day my best friend and I can go out together with my friends and hers.

And these friends of mine just might have to deal with seeing a little less of me for a while so I can take some chances and live the single life for a time. Or they could always bite the bullet and go out with me downtown every once in a while. Joining me in the singles scene instead of always asking me to join them in couples land.

But to these friends that I love more than anything. To these friends who have always been there for me. I promise I’ll be back soon. And if I play my cards right. If I manage to not fuck it up. Then my old friends will get to meet my awesome new friend. She’ll be the smart, pretty, and funny girl standing next to me. And I can bet you’ll be wondering why she’s slumming with a dork like me.

Oh and in case you forgot - my true and real friends - if it happens to come up, you’ve got my number if that body starts to stink up the trunk. I’ll bring the Hefty bags. You bring the hacksaw.